There is a baby boom among my friends this year… and since my kids are no longer babies, it kind of made me think. I do think about (and feel like) having another baby. However, I do feel anxious about it as well.

Actually, I already gave up the idea to have more children. I’ve given away all the baby clothes that once belong to Kakak and Adik. I am an unfabulous mum at most when I am being impatient. I always feel that (my) children deserve better. Children with their curiousity and not yet being able to understand the real world should have wonderfully patient mums.

I am happy, yes but sometimes I don’t think Mr. A and I are not good parents. We don’t know how to quietly argue. I don’t want my kids to grow up confuse and defensive. Once again I feel so unfabulous.

Being a parent is never easy I know but sometimes I wonder is it fair to bring an innocent child to a world that is so imperfect and flawed?

Besides, my greatest fear is breastfeeding. I don’t think much about giving birth. I mean once you’re done, you’re done right?! But breastfeeding is too much hard work for someone who has flat and / or inverted nipples like me. It hurts too much – physically and mentally.

Breastfeeding had caused my nipples to severely crack that one of them is scarred forever. (I wonder if I still can breastfeed with that breast). And when I don’t breastfeed I feel guilty and like a failure (furthermore when everybody else is doing it and unconsciously judging those who don't).

Still we have actually decided to ditch all methods of family planning. I can’t say that I am trying hard. What I can only say is whatever will be; will be.

Kakak's birthday was actually on the 2nd of July. We had a small party that evening which consist just the four of us (I did say it was small, didn't I?). We had chocolate cake and ate a normal Malay dinner after that. Anyway, thanks to a good friend of mine, I am able to come up with a photomosaic of Kakak. The base picture was taken on the special day. She looks so "grown up" now. How time flies *sigh*

Interested in creating a photomosaic? Click here.

PS: Click the picture in order to view it larger.

We are currently doing some modification to our new home. With a small budget we are ever-so-anxious in imagining what we can do to beautify the house. One of things that I would love to see in our home is two small chandeliers hanging down from the living hall ceiling. I’d like it to be in either bronze or brownish in colour so it would match the resort concept I am thinking of in decorating the house. I’ve googled some image of some beautiful chandeliers in order to get some ideas.